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Ep. 26

I’ve been feeling a sort of social dilemma (social media, that is) recently and KNOW I’m not alone in it. This episode we talk about the intense draw of social media, and the fear that can come with disconnecting from it, as well as the true core of it that we are actually seeking (spoiler: it’s connection)!

I mentioned Episode 24 where we talk about the fear that no one remembers you unless you make yourself visible/relavant.

Can you relate to today’s topic? What do you want to hear talked about on the show? Your feedback on the episodes help shape Crying on my yoga mat into a community where we can grow TOGETHER! Is there something you’re curious about, need advice on, or want to hear a different perspective on? Message me on Instagram or send an email to cryingonmyyogamat@gmail.com and tell me about it!

If you know anyone that would benefit from this podcast, please send your favourite episode to them! If you share about the podcast on Instagram, make sure to tag me @cryingonmyyogamat so I can send you a message to personally thank you for listening. 💛

Theme music composed by Sean J Stevens of Harkening Deer. For meditations and further contemplative music like this, visit Harkeningdeer.square.site.

 
 

 

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25 – with guest Meg De Jong

Joining us this episode is my nutritionist & friend Meg De Jong. We talk about the importance of self-nourishment and how the changes of life continue regardless of our age or stage.

Meg is a registered holistic nutritionist who specializes in nutrition for anxiety & gut health. She is also an avid gardener, and creator of simple, whole food recipes. Meg works one on one with clients, hosts monthly online workshops, and offers online courses. Visit her website https://megdejongnutrition.com/ to work with her, try out her delicious recipes (like the delectable lemon tahini sauce or nourishing yam hummus toasts), download the FREE Eat to Ease Anxiety Guide and make sure to follow her on Instagram to be the first to know about her upcoming courses (like the one she mentions in this episode) and more!

If you have the capacity, please research more and donate to the movement to prevent old-growth logging in Fairy Creek (& throughout so-called British Columbia). The forests NEED *your* help! 

Can you relate to today’s topic? What do you want to hear talked about on the show? Your feedback on the episodes help shape Crying on my yoga mat into a community where we can grow TOGETHER! Is there something you’re curious about, need advice on, or want to hear a different perspective on? Message me on Instagram or send an email to cryingonmyyogamat@gmail.com and tell me about it!

If you know anyone that would benefit from this podcast, please send your favourite episode to them! If you share about the podcast on Instagram, make sure to tag me @cryingonmyyogamat so I can send you a message to personally thank you for listening. 💛

Theme music composed by Sean J Stevens of Harkening Deer. For meditations and further contemplative music like this, visit Harkeningdeer.square.site.

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21 – with guest Kaya Marriott aka @comfygirlcurls

In Episode 9, Tilda mentioned her friend Kaya and that’s who’s with us this episode! Kaya Marriott aka @comfygirlcurls is a Vancouver, BC based Lifestyle Blogger/Content Creator and talks about some of the BIG chances she’s taken and how to support & learn about yourself in the process. Run, do not walk, to her Pinterest

What do you want to hear talked about on the show? Who do you want me to interview next? Your feedback on the episodes help shape Crying on my yoga mat into a community where we can grow TOGETHER. Is there something you’re curious about, need advice on, or want to hear someone’s perspective on? Message me on Instagram or send an email to cryingonmyyogamat@gmail.com 

If you know anyone that would benefit from this podcast, please send your favourite episode to them! If you share about the podcast on Instagram, make sure to tag me @cryingonmyyogamat so I can send you a message to personally thank you for listening. 💛

Theme music composed by Sean J Stevens of Harkening Deer. For meditations and further contemplative music like this, visit Harkeningdeer.square.site.

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Ep. 16

Let’s talk about the AWKWARDNESS of growth! Franz the Douglas Fir (Ep. 06) got me thinking about how our new growth can look and feel so different from our existing growth. 

Want your copy of the Meditation for Connection audio? Click on “FREEBIES” in the @cryingongmyyogamat Instagram story highlights and let me know what email to send it to!

I mention Episode 07 with guest Paulina – Listen here!

The Enneagram Planner Collection by @workspacery is officially LIVE!! 

This collection features nine unique, weekly, self-dated 6-month planners — one for each enneagram type and right now you can SAVE on your order with a special code from me to you! Use the checkout code CRYINGONMYYOGAMAT at workspacery.com!

I’ve been needing to get my scheduling in order and am SO excited to have found a planner that was designed with my unique type in mind! You know I already ordered my Type 4 planner and a Type 5 for Ryan, because listen: these sell out fast every season, and now is the perfect time to order for yourself or a friend (hello, early holiday shopping!). Go to https://workspacery.com/enneagram-planners to learn more!

#ad ((Thank you for supporting Crying on my yoga mat’s very first affiliate opportunity! You help this podcast grow.))

This podcast is all about YOU and the topics & guests that YOU want to hear. Your feedback on the episodes help shape Crying on my yoga mat into a community where we can grow TOGETHER. Is there something you’re curious about, need advice on, or want to hear a different perspective on? Do you want to celebrate more triumphs or relate to humans going THROUGH it?

Message me on Instagram so I know what you want to hear talked about in future episodes! Or send an email to jaydee@jaydeelyn.ca 

If you know anyone that would benefit from this content, please share it with them! If you share about the podcast on Instagram, make sure to tag me @cryingonmyyogamat so I can send you a message to personally thank you for listening.

Theme music composed by Sean J Stevens of Harkening Deer. For meditations and further contemplative music like this, visit Harkeningdeer.square.site.

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Showering.

Today’s post is a voice note I recorded this morning in the tub!

I chat about my mentality when it comes to showers (and the effort that comes along with hygienic self care).

This is a vulnerable one! Raw, no edits.

Now I open up the conversation to YOU!

What is the experience of showering like for you?
Are there any routines or helpful mindsets that you have around how you take care of your stunning body?

Tell me about it in the comments, send me an email (press the envelope button below), or message me on Instagram!

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Excitement

I took this extremely candid (🚽) photo this morning after I had a really exciting mental moment.

During a typical stream of thinking, I had the thought that I’m excited for next year and what it will bring.

I, Jaydee, depressed for many years with little to no hope for the future or dreams, am excited for next year.

Tears (see photo) sprang to my eyes when I realized what I had just thought.

What this means to me:

•I’ve lived in what feels like survival mode for a very long time. There has not been much that has me eager to continue my existence long-term.

•Thinking of the future with a positive lense, rather than with trepidation or anxiety is HUGE.

•IT MEANS THAT THE WORK I’M PUTTING IN IS WORKING!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳💃 It means that the “courses” I take, the groups I involve myself in, the personal development, the things I read, the small choices and actions I make, and the conversations both internal and external have made a difference. The effort that’s gone in hasn’t been in vain.

What is it that I’m excited for?

There’s nothing specific.

*giggles* That is mind-blowing to past versions of myself. There is nothing happening for certain next year. I have no clue where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. Yet I’m excited for the possibilities.

It doesn’t have to be another year of the same old; of repeating patterns and biding my time.

I have potential and so does my future.

There is a later version of myself with tears in her eyes thinking about this exact moment.

The moment I step into hope. When I realize that I am enough and I have what I need to create a life worth looking forward to. When I see that the doors around me are open; the gate to my cage is open and the key is in my hand.

The moment I shed my identity of sufferer. Yes, the pain is still there and it will always be valid. But that’s not who I am. I’m not made of broken bits, I am WHOLE.

So this is my victory selfie.

My honest visage.

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Leg Hair.

I cannot recall the last time I took a proper razor to my legs.

My skin has always hared it, becoming red and irritated. The “razor burn” and eventual ingrown hairs were painful and embarrassing. At some point I just started using electric trimmers and take it down to stubble level.

This took getting used to. Initially I was nervous about people feeling or seeing that I wasn’t smooth.

It’s a thing; to be convinced that others are occupied so much by your presence that they would notice something so small.
I must admit I have had to, as an adult, unlearn some seriously judgemental narratives about other peoples’ bodies and how they adorn them. That softening of my perception of others allowed space for me to become more comfortable with my body how I want it to be; though I am still discovering how exactly that is.

This year, since interacting with people has dwindled, I’ve not been thinking as much about the length of my body hair. It’s such a secondary thought that I’m not sure the last time I even trimmed my legs. Usually this would mean they stay covered, but this time I’ve worn a (calf-length) skirt to work.

Maybe surprisingly, I like my leg hair. It makes me smile when I see it and it’s fun to play with. It’s not soft. In fact, it still feels like stubble to the touch, though lengthy.

Today this is on my mind because I’m getting a new leg tattoo. Now, only the section where the tattoo will be needs to be clean shaven. The rest of my legs could very well remain hairy or be trimmed. Pretty sure the tattoo artist will not judge.

My mental struggle is with the fact that photos will be taken.
It’s common practice for artists to take photos of their work and post it on social media. Oftentimes they don’t name names or tag the person in the photos, as the emphasis is on the artist’s work.
I understand I could have anonymity.

There are a few thoughts at play here.
I don’t want the judgement. Even if I’m not tagged, I’ll see the posts and the comments. The perceived silent judgement would be on my mind (as it is when I’m unshaved in public).

Thing is, I’m getting another leg tattoo next month by an Indigiqueer artist and for that I will certainly leave my legs hairy. I know I will have absolute safety and acceptance in that community/space, both in person and on social.

So why am I overthinking the length of my leg hair today?
Today’s artist is new to tattooing, with a background in calligraphy. She’s a grown ass women and mother, yet I’m worried about messing with the aesthetic of her feed and portfolio? How wild.

More and more I ache for people to be able to show up in their bodies in the way that best suits them. Hairy or not hairy. Soft or firm or somewhere in between. Step by step I’m getting there in my own life, though it is an almost daily consideration.

Now I am off to get ready, which will include trimming my leg hairs because that is how I feel most secure today.
I will mourn my length loss until we meet again. 😋

As with many of my posts, this didn’t really have a purpose or an end. It was something that I felt I needed to say.
If you’re feeling some type of way, I see you. My heart is with you and you are never alone in this world or your struggles.

Addendum:

She didn’t even take pics 🤣 Gotta love overthinking!

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Don’t Waste Your Pain.

Before you read:

At the 🡻 bottom 🡻 of this post I have attached the voice note audio that this is based off of! So if you would prefer to listen rather than read, that option is available to you (scroll down). It is not exactly the same as what is written, but pretty close.
Please let me know if this is something you would like to become a regular thing!

Onto the post!

I was “diagnosed” with depression autumn after graduating high school (18). Diagnosed is in quotations because it was quite unceremonious. My mom and I went to our doctor, told her that I was extremely low mood and energy and she prescribed me Zoloft (an antidepressant that my mom had used for her moods).
And that was that.

It’s been quite a ride since.

I have said to God so many times that if I can at least help other people through what I’ve gone through, then all of the suffering is worth it.

Is that a bit of a martyr mindset? Maybe.

Don't waste your pain

Today as I was cleaning off a whiteboard, I saw the phrase “don’t waste your pain.” It’s something that I heard a while back and it really resonated with me.

It’s just… there have been so many days where I don’t want to get out of bed. That I don’t feel that my life is worth living. And there are other days where I’m able to sit with someone in their pain and their discomfort and they feel seen.

That is kind of worth the constant pain that I feel when I’m not seen.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s so fucking hard.

Keeping the mindset of don’t waste your pain is helpful to me. It keeps me grounded, in the sense that the work that I do isn’t in vain. That saving myself isn’t a mistake. Showing others that they can manage and that I understand it doesn’t feel like it and that they don’t want to. It’s impossibly tough to know that you’re going to experience pain, yet choose to show up in spite of that. It’s brave in a way.

At various times in my life people have used the word “strong” to describe me. I never used to understand it, because all I felt was weak.

Seriously though, I feel like such a weak human being. Constantly.

But here are these people saying that I’m strong and I was left wondering what strength they were seeing.. After conversations with them and really looking at myself I see that I am strong.
Because I’m making choices to continue. To better myself even when I don’t know what the future looks like and even though I risk all of my feelings of safety by doing so.

But I’m strong.

I want you to say this along with me. I know it feels corny; it absolutely does. Just take a second, put your hands on your hips in a super hero pose, even if you’re sitting.

Say out loud “I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.”

Deep breath in. Hold it at the top. Exhale.

Breathe into the fact that you are strong.

And no one gets to define what counts as strong for you. Honestly, there’s some weightlifters out there that can lift a whole tonne of shit, but lifting my body weight off the couch or out of bed sometimes is more weight to lift.

Make your pain count.

Don’t waste your pain. And don’t wallow in it! I say this as someone who is 29 and I spend most of my time ruminating and thinking and….. trying to escape my mind and how much I live in the past and the future. I’m terrified of the future, and I’m broken by my past. Still I carry on.

Get up. You can do the things. When you see other people that are down or going through something, don’t waste your pain. Don’t let the experiences you’ve gone through and the new data that you now know go to waste. Use what you’ve learned and when/where you’ve fallen apart and brought yourself back together and show others. Tell others.

I’m nervous about sounding narcissistic (will write a future post about narcissism), but I am what I know best. I am, in reality, what I’m most passionate about. My brain, my inner world, my outer world. I am my biggest focus. Even when I try to run away from that fact.

I talk about myself and my experiences because that’s the background that I have. It’s what I’m most knowledgeable on. And that’s all I can give you. I can give you what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned stuff in school, and from other people, but what I can tell you best is what I’ve experienced. Not just the things from the books or the Ted talks. It’s me.

The fact that I’m still here.

And I’m trying every single day that I remember, or that I feel strong enough, to not waste my pain. Because my past self is worth honouring today and tomorrow and every day after that. My current self is putting in the work to make sure that the pain I’ve felt had purpose, had meaning.
Even if that’s just me making meaning.

The lessons I’ve learned the hard way are worth it. When my words and what I’ve gone through helps others feel seen it is worth it. When I am who I needed when I was younger it is worth it.

YOU are worth it. Your pain is not for nothing.

As always, comment below 🡻, send me an email or find me on Instagram!

Voice note this post is based on. (10mins)
September 18, 2020
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29!

Feelin’ Fine(…?)

It’s my 29th birthday!
Geez. 29.

It’s funny, we have these plans and timelines for our lives, but how often do we think about the very base parts of what we’re aiming for?

Let’s go deeper.

My life certainly doesn’t look like I thought it would.
My timeline was:
-Married by 21 (technically ✔️)
-Schooling done by 25.
-Finished having kids by 28.

Whoops 😅
Didn’t factor divorce into those plans.

Now here I am at 29. Living “in sin” with my boyfriend, jobless with only a diploma that won’t do much for me career-wise, and no babies.

Although 30 isn’t for 365 more days, I’ve started to label myself “almost 30.”

Quick side story:

I do this thing that drives David (my ex-husband) bonkers. When it reaches roughly February (my half birthday), I start calling myself the age I will be becoming. So this year it sounded like “I’m 29 in August.”

Back to it!

With the intensity of the decade-turning number 30, I feel the gravity of it.
The pressures of the world (and my own internal expectations) have me reeling over the things I once thought would be mine by this age.
For instance, the nagging voice in the back of my mind loves to remind me that womens bodies are not as suitable to bear children the older they get. I’ve never wanted to be an older parent, and indeed that’s what I eventually will be.

At this point in life I understand that all the buzzing thoughts surrounding age are arbitrary, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Returning to my first point, the base factors of what we aim for.

The goals I had growing up were marriage, education, and offspring.
Though I am not married, I am so loved that even writing this sentence brings tears to my eyes.
I may not have the degrees that could help me to have a career, but the schooling that I did changed my life and taught me more about myself and better ways to be than I knew was possible, and it opened doors I didn’t know I could even access.
Although we haven’t been blessed with babies just yet, I am re-parenting myself and breaking generational curses/traumas so that I can be the best possible parent (and partner).

My childhood self created goals that society would want for me, without thinking of the emotions behind it and what each goal being accomplished would bring me.

Now, as an almost 30yr old (😉) my goals look a bit different.

What do I want from 29?

Passion. Less numbing. More love, less ego.

What does 30yr old Jaydee want from 29yr old Jaydee?

-Action. Allowing emotions to be felt, then flowed through and honoured. Instead of stewing, acting (Actually, I’d love to act again as well, so maybe that can be a goal).
-Love. Being slower to anger and quick in love and empathy.
-BREATH. Legit. Breathwork will change things. Do it.
-Calm down on binge eating.
-Inner child work. Please do this, 29. Your future self and babies need this of you.
-*Less fear.* Trust yourself, your love and your body/mind/voice.
-Take care of my body. Every day, not just the days I feel like it.
-You are capable and can be flexible.
-You are not alone. Ever. There will never be a nanosecond where you are loved and cherished.

Life is heavy but I am here.

How about you?

What are some new “goals” that you are creating for yourself, with the base aspects and emotions of the results in mind? Let me know in the comment section, or send me an email (click the envelope below)!

Birthday dinner at Atlas Steak in Langley.
Birthday dinner at Atlas Steak + Fish.

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No Point

This week’s post is a flashback to a song I wrote February 2016.

Miserable, impatient, lonely and sore
Been in this place countless times before
Tired of feeling pathetic and useless
Don’t know how much longer I can do this

What a mess what a mess what a mess
Don’t even need to confess
Just look at me
It’s so clear to see
There’s just no point, just no point

Why bother
When your feelings are nothing but fodder
I’m just a plaything for others to use
Yet knowingly I let them abuse

What’s the point
When your entire life is out of joint
There’s just no point, just no point.


It’s always interesting to go through my old notebooks & journals.
Writing has been a way of expression and, to a degree, escape for as long as I can remember.
When I was young I would write stories, as well as “songs” like this one. As the years went on the stories left, but the songs remained (though now it’s been a long while since I’ve written one).


My writings come from deep emotion. Most often it’s pain and sadness. (Gotta love some angst!)


Reading my previous writings can transport me to the Jaydee of that time. However, I sometimes I see more of my current self than I’d like to. Cycles are hard to break.
The more I look back on myself the more I see how much I lacked healthy coping mechanisms. The songs from the past 15 years have such similar underlying themes. The first verses explain it well. With reflection, I understand how much of the pain was due to boundary issues, but that’s a discussion for another day.

Do you ever look back on your old creative/emotional outlets? What feelings come along with the experience?
Let me know if the comments, or send me an email (click the envelope below)!

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