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Feelin’ Fine(…?)

It’s my 29th birthday!
Geez. 29.

It’s funny, we have these plans and timelines for our lives, but how often do we think about the very base parts of what we’re aiming for?

Let’s go deeper.

My life certainly doesn’t look like I thought it would.
My timeline was:
-Married by 21 (technically βœ”οΈ)
-Schooling done by 25.
-Finished having kids by 28.

Whoops πŸ˜…
Didn’t factor divorce into those plans.

Now here I am at 29. Living “in sin” with my boyfriend, jobless with only a diploma that won’t do much for me career-wise, and no babies.

Although 30 isn’t for 365 more days, I’ve started to label myself “almost 30.”

Quick side story:

I do this thing that drives David (my ex-husband) bonkers. When it reaches roughly February (my half birthday), I start calling myself the age I will be becoming. So this year it sounded like “I’m 29 in August.”

Back to it!

With the intensity of the decade-turning number 30, I feel the gravity of it.
The pressures of the world (and my own internal expectations) have me reeling over the things I once thought would be mine by this age.
For instance, the nagging voice in the back of my mind loves to remind me that womens bodies are not as suitable to bear children the older they get. I’ve never wanted to be an older parent, and indeed that’s what I eventually will be.

At this point in life I understand that all the buzzing thoughts surrounding age are arbitrary, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Returning to my first point, the base factors of what we aim for.

The goals I had growing up were marriage, education, and offspring.
Though I am not married, I am so loved that even writing this sentence brings tears to my eyes.
I may not have the degrees that could help me to have a career, but the schooling that I did changed my life and taught me more about myself and better ways to be than I knew was possible, and it opened doors I didn’t know I could even access.
Although we haven’t been blessed with babies just yet, I am re-parenting myself and breaking generational curses/traumas so that I can be the best possible parent (and partner).

My childhood self created goals that society would want for me, without thinking of the emotions behind it and what each goal being accomplished would bring me.

Now, as an almost 30yr old (πŸ˜‰) my goals look a bit different.

What do I want from 29?

Passion. Less numbing. More love, less ego.

What does 30yr old Jaydee want from 29yr old Jaydee?

-Action. Allowing emotions to be felt, then flowed through and honoured. Instead of stewing, acting (Actually, I’d love to act again as well, so maybe that can be a goal).
-Love. Being slower to anger and quick in love and empathy.
-BREATH. Legit. Breathwork will change things. Do it.
-Calm down on binge eating.
-Inner child work. Please do this, 29. Your future self and babies need this of you.
-*Less fear.* Trust yourself, your love and your body/mind/voice.
-Take care of my body. Every day, not just the days I feel like it.
-You are capable and can be flexible.
-You are not alone. Ever. There will never be a nanosecond where you are loved and cherished.

Life is heavy but I am here.

How about you?

What are some new “goals” that you are creating for yourself, with the base aspects and emotions of the results in mind? Let me know in the comment section, or send me an email (click the envelope below)!

Birthday dinner at Atlas Steak in Langley.
Birthday dinner at Atlas Steak + Fish.

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